Top Ten Things Horses Will Teach You

laughing horseTen: How To Walk On A Crushed Foot

Yes, we have all been there. In an ideal moment, communing with our steed, brushing their coat to a looking glass shine or making sure their tail is the texture of fine spun silk, your horse will ruin the moment completely by putting all thousand pounds of their weight nonchalantly on your foot. They will calmly gaze out into middle distance, chewing quietly on the latest treat that you have given them, wondering why their owner is all of a sudden drumming a frantic beat on their shoulder and squawking hysterically. Inconsiderate humans.


Nine: How To Ride An ATV With No Shock Absorbers

After learning to sit the trot, the hundreds of hours spent going around the ring sweating with effort, all the while spending very little time in the actual saddle, dune buggy riding will be no problem! Wow your friends with your ability to drive unaffected over rocky, pot hole filled trails for hours. When they complain about the discomfort at the end of the day, you will thank your horse back at home for building up a huge tolerance for constant, brutal bouncing. Thank you, Starlight!


Eight: How to Prioritize

With all of the flotsam and jetsam that flies at you in this busy, modern life, you need to learn how to make order and decide what is most important. Consider taking up horses, then! Ignore that pesky doctor’s appointment to reorder that tack box. Who needs a home made dinner when there are vets to meet? Children look wonderful in paper bags with arm and head holes cut out of them when you need to schedule that extra lesson the week before the show. Effortless decisions such as these will become abundantly clear to you upon entering the horse world.


Seven: Skin Tight White Pants Are For Everyone!

Most people worry about looking their best and finding that perfect outfit to accentuate their best features. But why try to find that perfect pair of jeans or that flattering dress when you can choose the only article of clothing that puts everyone’s best features right in the forefront! Skin tight white pants! Your friends will be dazzled as you strut out of the house wearing breeches so tight they look as though they’ve been painted on. Your rivals will be green with envy when they see the leather full seat. Skin Tight White Pants: they will FORCE you to love the skin you’re in.


Six: Commune with Nature

While most people are inside on that fourteen degree windy morning, you get to enjoy the full variety of nature’s bounty with horses. Hand walk your horse through mud up to your knees! There are only ten minutes left in your lesson so you might as well continue to ride through the downpour. Is that lightning? You are probably okay sitting up there on your seventeen hand horse holding a metal tipped dressage whip in an open space with no taller targets!


Five: See Your Spirit Animal

The American Indians used to enter sweat tents and use the combination of heat and hallucinogenics to discover their spirit animals (An aside: most of the following previous statement might have been completely fabricated by me just now.). But you don’t need to go through the dreary labor of erecting a tent and wandering through the desert for a week, not with horses! Just put on your black wool coat at that one hundred degree show, eat nothing because you are nervous, add a pop of adrenalin and before your test is done you will be seeing your spirit animal emerge from the judge”s booth. Go forth young warrior Salutes Before He Halts, and find the creature that will guide you through the rest of your life. (Note: in ninety percent of cases it has been a horse.)

Four: The Merits of Child Labor

Can’t lift that trunk? Have your college age son, or your friend’s college age son drag it four hundred yards to where it must be stationed to meet the trailer. And your children will be happy to be converted into little boot blacks in preparation for that clinic. They have always wondered how impoverished children in the 1800s survived and they get to learn first hand as they bring your boots to a perfect shine.


Three: Time with Your Partner

Carving out time for your marriage is important, and one of the keys to a successful partnership. So carve out some time with just you and your partner by having them show up to film your test at the show. Or having (forcing) them to watch your lesson. Converse with them at length about the difference between a leg yield and a half pass, over an eight dollar grilled cheese bought from the vendor at the show. Kindle that spark of romance with a sweaty red faced embrace after winning that class.


Two: Live For The Adventure

With horses you will find yourself in places you never might otherwise. For instance, water skiing? Anyone can do that! Try water skiing across the ring after your horse bolts while you are lunging him. Cardio? Pah! Consider the full body work out two hours of hand walking a colicky horse will bring you while waiting for the vet. A bounty of new and interesting situations await you in the world of horses.


One: Friends

After a lifetime of feeling slightly out of place, after entering the world of horses, you will find other men and women just as crazy as yourself. They will share your same rock solid logic and experiences that the previous nine entries brought to the forefront. Remember, if you are all living by these same rules, then it is everyone else who is crazy.

If you enjoyed reading this entry, you might also like The Baying Of The Hounds: Feeding of Pills.

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